I Asked the Lord

There is an old hymn written by John Newton that I have been listening to lately. It is called "I Asked the Lord". This song resonates with me and my experiences at the Ranch right now. I have mentioned this before, but I desire this year to be about growing, and I have asked the Lord to grow me and change me, and give me the desire to not be satisfied with my life and how I have lived it. Already I have seen the work of the Lord in my life. The walls and barriers that keep people out are beginning to crumble. God has given me the strength and courage to speak even when my heart is pounding and my body is trembling. And, above all, He has given me the desire to grow and change.

One of the girls that I walked with and mentored this summer told me how she prayed that the Lord would ruin her. This prayer is very similar to my prayer of change and growth. She was tired of her life, not satisfied in how she had been living. She wanted more. She wanted the Lord the ruin all the parts of her life that were not of Him. And in very unexpected ways, her life began to fall apart. I watched as she would cry in agony because of the pain she was experiencing, not being able to realize that in that moment, the Lord was answering her prayer. The Lord began the work in her to change her and make her more into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ. She would have never guessed that He would ruin her in the ways that He did. However, the desire she had to be ruined was all the Lord needed to do the work in her that He did. The Lord often acts on a willing heart.

The desire in my heart to grow is so strong. However, I never pictured my growing to look the way it looks. I have never been so uncomfortable for so long in my life. It is uncomfortable confronting people. It is so uncomfortable speaking about my feelings. It is so uncomfortable letting people into the depths of my heart to see its darkness. It is often uncomfortable allowing people to speak truth into my life knowing that they are also not going to allow me to stay where I am at. In all of my uncomfortable encounters, I know that God is drawing me closer to Him. He is making me depend on Him for all things and thus changing me and growing me more into His image.

The last two verses of the song display the interactions I have had with the Lord lately. It says, "Lord why is this, I trembling cried. Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death? 'Tis in this way' the Lord replied 'I answer prayer for grace and faith. These inward trials I employ from self and pride to set thee free. And break thy schemes of earthly joy that thou mayest seek thy all in me. That thou mayest seek thy all in me.'"

The Lord waits for His children to merely have willing hearts. Once the heart is willing, He moves, often in unexpected ways that make us depend more solely on Him. The trials I have experienced thus far in my internship are indeed growing and changing me. They are nonetheless hard and trying, which is why they are called trials. I often find myself on my knees crying out to God in agony asking Him to do it for me because I no longer have the ability to do it on my own strength. I need Him to be my strength and courage. I need Him to be my voice and words. I need Him to love and show grace for me. And in that place is where God has desired me to be for such a long time. "That thou mayest seek thy all in me."

Truth be told, we cannot do life on our own. We need the Lord. Every hour, we need Him. Ask the Lord to grow you, and you will soon find out just how much you are in need of our Savior. But that is exactly where He wants you, on your knees in desperate need of Him. May the Lord grow you and change you and in that process, may you depend more and more on the Lord. E.

(Check out the hymn that I was talking about by visiting:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TftGIyzO-A8&feature=youtube_gdata_player Also, I posted a few more pictures on the Washington Family Ranch link to the right of the blog post on my page. They are from my Thanksgiving adventure.)